Smiles gone wrong
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
... When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.
Old Trickster......
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" th...e son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
Happy Thanksgiving!
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY THE IRISH WAY!
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turk the bastey
Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer
Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 14: Turk the carvey
Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out.......
Written by kids......
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you are stuck with." - - Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age, because you know the person forever by then." - - Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." - - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want any more kids." -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." - - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)
WHEN IT IS OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they are rich." - - Pam, age 7
"The rules go like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." - -Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." - - Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"--Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck!" - - Name not readable.
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"Shorties.....
Two young kids are talking about their grandparents. The girl is explaining to the boy that her grandparents are currently living in a "Senior's RV Park". The boy wants to know what that is. The girl explains: "My dad says it's a place where the women are too old to get pregnant and the men look as if they are."
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Still groggy from an operation, the patient was in an agitated state. "Nurse," he moaned, "I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word, and it caused me great distress." "What did the surgeon say?" asked the nurse.
"Oops." Richard Padwell ( Reader's Digest )
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Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said: "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I am stumped." His buddy said: "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She will probably be thrilled!" So - he just did that. The next day his buddy asked: "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling "I'll see you in two hours!!"
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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
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A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
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"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
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Top 45 Oxymoron's:
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
From the late CBS-correspondent (60 Minutes) Andy Rooney:
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch a game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are fortright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy.....
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch a game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are fortright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy.....
Two Ladies talking in Heaven....
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! My name is Sylvia. How did you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - - we'd both still be alive.
2nd woman: Hi! My name is Sylvia. How did you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - - we'd both still be alive.
Life in a Mental Hospital
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the head nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now concidered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said: "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by saving another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he is dead."
Edna replied: "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Careful what you wish for.....
An RVing couple, both born the same year and month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been so loving she would grant them each one wish. Very excited, the wife said that since she had already visited most of North America in her RV she would like to visit Europe.
The fairy waved her magic wand - airline tickets instantly appeared in her hand. Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said with a sly look: "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me". The fairy waved her wand and presto - - he was 90!
The fairy waved her magic wand - airline tickets instantly appeared in her hand. Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said with a sly look: "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me". The fairy waved her wand and presto - - he was 90!
Senior Road Trip
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
He was sooo proud..
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?' 'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court,I pled 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Growing Older
When people say you look "Great"...
They add "for your age!"
~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything...
Movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
~You forget names ... But it's OK
Because other people forgot
They even knew you!
~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
Is now 15 and you have a better chance
Of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
~Your spouse is counting on you
To remember things you don't remember.
~The things you used to care to do,
You no longer care to do,
But you really do care that you
Don't care to do them anymore.
~Remember when your mother said,
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
~You used to say,
"I hope my kids GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
~You miss the days when everything worked
With just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ...
Were unheard of, and a mouse was something
That made you climb on a table...
~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~Now that your husband has retired ...
You'd give anything if he'd find a job!
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...
2 of which you will never wear.
~~~~But old is good in some things:
Old songs,
Old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS !!
They add "for your age!"
~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything...
Movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
~You forget names ... But it's OK
Because other people forgot
They even knew you!
~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
Is now 15 and you have a better chance
Of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
~Your spouse is counting on you
To remember things you don't remember.
~The things you used to care to do,
You no longer care to do,
But you really do care that you
Don't care to do them anymore.
~Remember when your mother said,
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
~You used to say,
"I hope my kids GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
~You miss the days when everything worked
With just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ...
Were unheard of, and a mouse was something
That made you climb on a table...
~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~Now that your husband has retired ...
You'd give anything if he'd find a job!
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...
2 of which you will never wear.
~~~~But old is good in some things:
Old songs,
Old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS !!
Only in America........
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.
Complete and Finished
No English dictionary has been able to explain adequately the difference between those two words. In a recently held linguistic competition held in London, England, attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelor s Adventure was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over five minutes. Here is his answer which made him receive an invitation to dine with the Queen, who decided to call him after the contest. He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old Eldorado rum for his answer.
The question was this.
How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is Mr. Balgobin s astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
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Summary of our Civilization - in the year 2017 !